From: Brighton Source

The Bare Necessities

Some jobs take real balls. THE SOURCE bared the baby oil and the hen posse to ogle up some scantily clad guys and discreetly probe the sweaty world of pert pecs and even perter peckers???.

These guys have it hard. Whereas the female variety can feine intent with a bit of boob-jigging bump ‘n’ grind and a quick drop of kegs, blokes have to show some real interest, know what I mean? Women know when fellas are faking it and a good male dancer needs to be well versed in the arts of visual forplay, arousing stage presence and, when it comes down to it, how to use a pole like he means it. While naff full monty routines are little more than elongated kissograms to titillate gaggles of drunken hen nighters who can’t dance, a proper show will employ costumes, lights, effects, music and, of course, those little tassly things lads hang from there gonads. Also, as most women punters will tell you, it will be brimming with the biggest aphrodisiac of them all – humour.

‘I would call myself an entertainer who strips,’ says Tristan Tristar, whose shows incorporates everything from an all in the buff Ali G and an X rated Austin Powers to fire-breathing and break-dancing. ‘people are bored with just watching a guy get undressed. Most of the time girls would rather see you with your clothes on.’ Really? ‘Yes their imagination is a lot more erotic than the reality of a bloke nude on stage. Our dangleys are pretty ugly really. Only us lads think they’re great cos they’re ours!’ Ok, so obviously more to male entertaining than a bit of full-monty-style cash in hand, but is he seriously suggesting the audience aren’t eyeballing his meat and two veg? ‘Well, I don’t know. The thing is, women have better peripheral vision than men and their able to look into your eyes and check out your tool at the same time!’

Either way, entertainers know that all the effort spent building up an audience with a mixture of laughs, sexi dancing and Velcro-fastened costumes is blown without a fitting climax. A male hen entertainer is just like any other bloke and takes great effort to be seen in the best light when in his birthday suit. That can be a problem when you consider, as Tristan puts is, ‘going on stage has the same effect as going on stage in the lead role in a West End musical. Its bloody nerve-racking and any guy what that does to your thing – the same thing as taking three grams of speed and going for a dip in Brighton sea.’ So, how does he provide stimulation? After an initial ‘warming up’ theoretically, the ladies should remain impressed throughout the act.

The most unpredictable aspect of any show, however, is the audience. ‘Hen night can get very raucous. Often the women are drunk and I have to be very firm with them.’ Like most strip artists Tristan’s had some close encounters of the molesting kind, including one time when he approached a woman twice his size and width and instructed her to remove his g-string, at which point she grabbed him, pinned him to the floor and refused to let him go. He nearly suffocated. ‘Its typical that it happened the first time my girlfriend ever cane to see me perform.’ But these guys have a few retaliatory tricks down their pants, such as pouring baby oil down there chests and flicking if from their knobs ‘with practice you can project it 15 feet,’ so be warned!