If I were King of Brighton for a day!
They say that you should eat your greens, and we should eat at least 5 a day! In that case, I think we should all do our bit and start eating the nearest Green councillor so I can have ultimate power (even if I do have indigestion). I would make all council and public sector workers stop for 60 seconds a day (out of work time) and chant “We love Brighton, it’s built on tourism, love and fun. We will not moan and drive the tourists away because they keep our city going.” And if any councillor decided to dig up the seafront or pavement in the summer (making our beautiful city less attractive to tourists) because “it’s too cold to do it in winter” we shall banish them to Oslo, naked, and ask them how they build their roads there.
Whilst I am on the subject of roads, I would hand out fines to cyclists that think the rules of the road don’t apply to them (going through red lights, having no lights at night, etc) You have your own cycle paths so use them and respect other drivers. I would abolish the ridiculous parking charges and bring back 30mph. And to silence the critics who say this will cause more traffic in the city, I would introduce free 24 hour Adonis hunk drawn carriages for ladies and a 24 hour bus service for men, so there is no need for anyone to drive!
The Adonis office would move to the Pavilion, be covered in glitter and we would have regular Adonis Sparkle parties employing the homeless, giving them dinner, letting them a wash in the fountains while their cloths are laundered, pressed and ironed by the unemployed green councillors. Adonis Towers would also become a listed building with guided tours, because many a star has lived there!!
I would rebuild the West Pier and make it the countries’ most sought after location for same sex marriages (the Gretna Green of the south). Discounts would be offered to the lucky couple if they choose to have their hen/stag do at the Adonis Cabaret – we love to have a cosmopolitan crowd!
Finally, I would build a castle out of pebbles on the beach and make Adonis Cabaret’s not very discerning diva Davina Sparkle my “queen beach “. I would make everyone listen to the voice of a thousand ashtrays telling jokes until the sun goes down. And as the sun sets on my day as King, then of course I would behead her.
For more information on The Adonis Cabaret visit www.adoniscabaret.co.uk
First published in Absolute Magazine Sep 13